Another Kind of Game
by Kiraeon
Summary: It was a perfect plan, infallible and with no way for her to squirm out of it. This time, Battler knew he had that sneaky witch named Beatrice cornered... until she brought out that condition. What could a book have to do with that? Rating may change.
1. Challenge

_ Yes, I've succumbed to the wonderful works of Ryukishi07; Umineko has especially gotten a rather special place in my heart with its wonderfully fucked up and complex cast of characters. I do not own them, but man if I don't love writing them. And this is my take on what Battler _should_ have done at the start of EP4... with a cracktastic twist that's going so AU it's insane._

Battler realizes something somewhere down the line in the intervals while they waited for the fourth game board to set itself up. It took a lot, to be completely honest, and he wasn't sure this was going to work. But hey, if the sneaky witch wanted to play games, he'd send an absolutely unbeatable move right back at that woman!

"Oi! Beato, where're you hiding now?" He called out, the whole domain of Purgatorio isn't anything horrendously special, just obnoxiously and unnecessarily huge. Kinda like the Ushiromiya mansion and guest house. No answer. She had to be sulking somewhere after his remarkable attack the last game. Seriously, where was that damn witch when he actually wanted to see her?

A cloud of golden butterflies appears in front of him and, for a moment, he felt his heart race in anticipation. _This is going to be my best move yet; let's see if that Beato can beat this one!_ He thought, squaring his shoulders and preparing to lambast that obnoxious woman with something that'd wipe that knowing look off her face forever. "Milady is currently lost in thought in that room down the hall, shall I retrieve her for you?" Ronove asked, the butterflies disappearing to reveal the tall butler's form as he bowed. Demon though he was, Battler kinda liked him. He was worse than Beato though, sneakier too, even for a guy supposedly on her side.

The red head's face fell a little. Dammit, what was with that already?! Sheesh! And here he'd gotten himself all psyched and ready to lay the smackdown on her and bring her back down to earth from that weird little pedestal she had herself up on! "Nah, that's cool. I'll go surprise her myself." Battler said with a scowl, rubbing the back of his neck. "Besides," He added with a grin that Ronove understood all too well. "In her own words, it'll be more interesting if I do it this way."

His hand was up to his mouth, shoulders shaking as he chuckled quietly to himself, watching the arrogant form of his mistress' enemy saunter down the hall. He didn't mind at all, especially because he was sure this would prove to be quite entertaining in more ways than one. _I should prepare some refreshments for later, they made need them after this._ Such a thought had the demon butler chuckling to himself all the more.

True to the often fickle demon's word, Battler found his nemesis- and the bane of his existence- reclined in one of those fancy couches with her chin resting on her arm. Her sharp, aquamarine blue eyes unfocused and her brow furrowed in concentration as she stared at something on the wall in heavy thought. Leaning against the door frame with his arms folded over his chest, the arrogant teenage decided to watch her for a little while... and counted three minutes that she didn't blink.

_Man, Ronove wasn't kiddin' when he said she was lost in thought. Who doesn't blink after almost five minutes?_ Finally done with watching her, Battler intentionally interrupted her thought with a loud yawn and stretch. "Huh, who would have thought a witch named Beato'd be sitting there all lost in thought like some lovestruck schoolgirl." Her reaction _was_ pretty funny, who'd have thought she could move so fast in that heavy dress?

Red tinged Beatrice's cheeks as she immediately rose to a standing position, fists at her side as her eyes flashed fire. "Hmph, _who_ was staring off like a lovestruck schoolgirl?" She demanded arrogantly, a haughty expression appearing on her face as she summoned her pipe in agitation. There were so many way she was thinking of killing him right now, how _dare_ he interrupt her while she was in the middle of perfecting an unbeatable strategy!

...not that it'd had anything to do with that novel her teacher had lent to her, or the fact that Ronove seemed to find it most amusing that she asked him several questions _about_ a few select scenes in said novel.

_'Why not try experimenting with Battler-sama? I'm sure he could answer your questions much better than a simple demon such as myself would ever be able to.'_

When Battler didn't move or say anything, she felt her annoyance grow to a rather disturbingly dangerous point. Great, just great. _Now_ her mood was going to be ruined too! And she'd just about figured out how to approach that stupid human about that book. "Well? Did you come to tell me you've given up and believe in witches now?" She sneered at him, a rather unladylike giggle- her mentor would scold her severely if she overheard it- slipping out. "I'll even change into a brand new pair of shoes for you to kiss, isn't that generous of me?" Another laugh followed that statement.

"Hell no," Battler retorted, shaking his head with a smirk. "I'll prove to you that witches don't exist one of these days." His hands shoved themselves into the pocket of his white slacks, a seemingly innocent expression on his face that both intrigued Beatrice... and had her wary all at the same time. He studied the room a little more- specifically the wall she'd been staring at. Nope, no secret code or message there.

Another sudden smirk as Battler's shoulder suddenly squared and he was in his battle stance, feet shoulder length apart and planted firmly on the ground as he pointed directly at the off guard golden witch in front of him. "Repeat it in red! 'Beatrice was only tricking Ushiromiya Battler in the third game.'" _I've got you now. I was so upset about it before, I didn't even think about how long it took you to answer! _Azure eyes narrowed, piercing the woman in front of him in place. Sure, it _could_ be a trick, really had little chance of _being_ anything other than a really good one. But something, _something_ about the way she'd reacted, about the way her eyes had slid to one side, away from him and her jaw had clenched before she'd broken into that maddening laughter had been bothering him ever since.

People who were so sure of their trickery... they didn't do things like that, right?

_How did he find out? Ronove? No, he wouldn't even go that far. And teacher was the one who told me about the strategy to begin with... she wouldn't have done it._ Beatrice's eyes narrowed, a mix of emotions crossing her face before she decided to laugh at him again. "What's this?" She asked mockingly, sneering down at him as if he were some insignificant insect to be crushed beneath the heel of her shoe. "Didn't we already go through this, Battler? I already told you; the North Wind and Sun strategy was perfect!" And she lapsed into her trademark laugh once again.

But he wasn't dissuaded, oh no, his arm dropped and he began walking towards her. A decidedly unexpected development on Beatrice's end as her laughter abruptly stopped and a rather apprehensive expression slipped on to her face. "Yeah, you _said_ it," Battler replied easily, an intense, searching expression on his own as his eyes wandered over her face. He stopped when she started backing away, eyes narrowing and softening ever so slightly at the anxiety trying to hide itself in her eyes. "But I wanna hear it in red.

He wasn't kidding either, Beatrice realized, feeling herself pale a little and her blood heat a bit. Since when had he gotten permission to look so cool all of a sudden?! This was stupid and impossible! A game she hadn't even foreseen, not that she didn't find the development interesting or anything like that but... but still! This wasn't something that was supposed to happen! He was supposed to be devastated, clutching his knees and crying the entire time until they were ready to begin the new game!_ Stupid Battler! You're ruining all of my hard work._ "F-Fine, I'll answer in red on one condition! Is that acceptable?" She challenged him, daring him to man up and actually do as she said, knowing he'd lose and she'd never have to respond as a result.

Battler's eyes flashed, and her heart raced, she loved it when his eyes did that, the determination in them holding all sorts of interesting and exciting possibilities. "You're on! What's the condition?" He retorted. This was _so_ his win, that little witch wasn't going to be able to escape that easily this time!

Game, set and _match_, Beatrice crowed in victory to herself, a devilish smile lighting across her features as she summoned forth a... distinctly plain looking book and offered it to him with that victorious glint in her eyes that spelled nothing but trouble. "Here."

"...you want me to read a book. _That's_ your condition?" There was more than a bit of disbelief in his voice and on his handsome face. Oh how she _loved_ that expression, Beatrice thought with delight... and immediately snapped herself back to focus. No time to admire him for the moment, victory was within her grasp!

"As if I would make it so easy for the likes of you," She sniffed, looking rather insulted with how he'd completely underestimated her. "There are a series of questions in the book. You'll answer them one by one; _that_ is my condition!" A grin slipped on to her face. "It'll be just like a school project, a book report! Only if you fail, the consequences will be worse than a failing grade," Beatrice broke into another cackling laugh, delighted with herself for coming up with such an amusing and simple trap with so many strings on which surely Battler would hang himself with!

"Worse than a failing grade huh," He muttered to himself, rubbing his chin in thought for a moment before a grin suddenly took hold of his face, determination set in yet another game- this one private and known to none except himself and the sneaky witch in front of him- that was about to unfold. "You're on! Just you wait, Beato; I'll have you crying in defeat in no time!" His hand snatched the book away and he marched out of the room as arrogantly as before, figuring he could read a book like this in no time flat and _still_ have time to get in a good nap.

Beatrice's giggling followed him out the door and down into the halls; she had _totally_ won this one and she hadn't even had to _do_ all that much. "Just you wait, Ushiromiya Battler," She exclaimed between giggles. "Wait until you see what awaits you, and then I will have you on your knees begging for forgiveness!" The young woman threw back her head and laughed loudly, fully and with everything she had in her.

For there was _no way_ a man like Battler could stand against the might of a romance novel.


	2. Seeking Counsel

_Greetings once again ladies and gentlemen of the Umineko fanclub! I've come back after a bit of a difficult time to give the next installment of this crazy crackfic I hope you all love and enjoy! Ratings are appropriate and are subject to change if I feel it necessarily. Without further ado, please enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Umineko, its characters, music, etc. I use them for my own means and fun, nothing more._

There was no way a _man_ like Battler could stand against the might of a romance novel.

The red headed Ushiromiya stared at the innocent looking book mocking him from the other side of the room and ran his hands through his hair. Hell, Kyrie was a woman and he'd never seen something like... like _that_ anywhere near her hand or in the house. Jessica wouldn't have one either... but, did Shannon? As Battler began trying to puzzle that one out, an odd tingling against the back of his neck gave him reason to duck, hearing a disappointed shriek as the Stake hit the wall and bounced off, clattering against the ground.

"Better luck next time... uhh, which of the Ass-nee-chans are you anyways?" He remarked, frowning as he began smoothing his rumpled hair back into place. The morbid looking thing rose in the air, glowing a vivid red-purple before revealing a shapely girl with shoulder length white hair that curled at the ends.

"Satan of Wrath," She said sourly, her arms folded in front of her and scarlet eyes narrowing in blatant disapproval of the boy in front of her. While her mistress liked to play with humans, she found them too _weak_ and cowardly for her tastes. _...can't believe this is Ange-sama's brother._ She grumbled to herself, unable to find much of a resemblance to the girl she and her sisters had once cared for. ...still cared for, really. She was still quite upset and angry, of course, at her and the way she'd treated them... and how she'd made her sisters cry and how Mammon was still refusing to get over it...

"Ahh yeah, Satan, that's right." Battler repeated, ignoring the second title as he flopped down into the high backed chair he'd come to claim as his, fingers steepling together as he rested them against his lips. "You're always the one going for my head , shoulda remembered that." He grinned and winked at her, watching her face turn pink in fury. "I'll remember next time." Teasing the sisters was always fun when they all had such amusing reactions. Hell, trying to _find_ something to set them off was one of his favorite games, even if it did end with a serious amount of pain and significant blood loss.

"No one asked you to!" Satan snapped, immensely disliking that she'd felt pleased he'd remembered her favorite target on his person and taking it out on him. Her scarlet eyes watched him carefully, part of her waiting for him to wince and not say anything like the rest of her siblings... or anyone else she yelled at and scolded.

Battler shrugged. "You're a girl, shouldn't you speak, you know, softer and nicer or something?" He asked, quirking a brow in the way he'd spent a good part of two years in middle school learning how at her. "I mean, it's going to be hard for you to find a boyfriend if you're not careful; no one likes a hen screeching at them all the time." A long pause as he watched the funny look appear on her face. _Oops. I think I went too far, better make up for it or I'm gonna get killed._ Leaning back in his chair, Battler offered a smile. "But hey, some guys like the whole being yelled at thing." A lecherous grin. "And with that outfit? Man, some guy out there'll be _crying_ until he finds you."

He... he'd _scolded_ her. Satan stared at him in open disbelief. Acted like a total _pig_ at the end, like most did, but... he'd... he'd still scolded her. At a loss for what to do, the white haired sister merely nodded dumbly and took a seat on one of the foot stools. Maybe... maybe her mistress wasn't so strange after all, and... Beatrice-sama _did_ choose this one to be her opponent. Her eyes narrowed a little at the reminder.

_Why did Beatrice-sama choose one of those damn Ushiromiya anyway? _After all that cursed family had done to her... it pissed her off just thinking about it.

…and this was Beatrice-sama, after all. Not many could figure out what she was thinking, and Mammon once said that she doubted even Beatrice-sama knew what she was thinking sometimes.

"So, keeping me on guard or were you bored with your sisters terrorizing some other poor bastard Beato's probably got stashed around and decided to come after me instead?" Battler asked, trying to get his mind off that stupid book and the list of questions she said he needed to answer in the back. He found himself struggling to breathe as a perfectly dainty hand wrapped his tie around her hand and pulled hard enough to choke him, the blue energy sword humming dangerously close to one of his eyes as she glared down at him.

"_You_ are the only bastard Beatrice-sama has around here." She hissed at him, pulling tighter on his tie. "And don't address my mistress so informally, you lowly human." Satan released his tie, shoving him with more physical force than he'd have thought possible back into his chair and nearly knocking that backwards. The sword still on her arm and hand, the girl whirled to go storm indignantly out of the room and request permission from Beatrice-sama to kill him for his transgression.

_Even after all that, the Ass-nee-chan brigade combined is still somehow less crazy than Beato is._ Battler thought to himself, wincing as he straightened his tie and checked to make sure his throat wasn't damaged. "Hold on a sec," He called after her, coughing as his throat seized up. She turned back around, giving him a look that said he'd better have a good reason for speaking up or she'd probably use that thing on him. "Look, I'm... sorry, I'm just pissed because she got me good this time." _Just don't make me repeat that in red._ The teenage boy thought with a scowl. That crazy witch would've loved hearing that and likely start throwing some absurd party to celebrate it, he thought with a slight grin afterwards.

It was kind of sad how predictable her... unpredictable personality could be sometimes. Sometimes, he watched her and could see what she was going to do ahead of time... and others? Shit, he'd never seen someone fall off a freakin' cliff before he'd met her, not to mention landing on her head must have knocked that brand of crazy his old man said _all_ women had into overdrive.

Satan studied him again, watching the expressions change on his admittedly handsome face as she let the sword disappear for the moment. She'd watched the whole event go down, including Ange-sama's appearance at the end, and she'd still never heard of Battler saying anything like that before. "...you mean at the end of the last game?" The white haired sister of Purgatory asked finally, returning to her seat with a hard look at the red head in front of her.

At least he didn't have to explain things to the sisters, they pretty much knew everything already, even if they wouldn't... or rather, couldn't tell him a whole hell of a lot. "Nah, I got her at the end of that one, it's how she responded to the fact that I got her on something that's pissing me off. We're in stalemate unless I figure out what to do next or I give up." He made a face at the thought of giving up, something the demonic weapon given physical form could most certainly understand.

"Well..." Satan began uncertainly, wondering if it was against the rules for her to offer help of any kind toward the enemy of her mistress. Maybe Beatrice-sama would find it interesting instead, she thought to herself. She might, actually. The idea of Battler having to stoop as low as to begging her furniture for some kind of hint or help would amuse Beatrice-sama greatly. Yes, Satan thought to herself suddenly, feeling a lot better about what she was thinking of doing.

Besides... she kind of felt like she owed Battler a favor after his scolding. He'd done one for her and, for a minute or two, she could be okay with not feeling so alone or left out of things.

"How _did_ she get you then?" Innocent enough question, with enough curiosity- and irritation because he's an idiot- in her voice to make it sound like she wasn't up to anything. After this, Satan thought to herself, she could go to Beatrice-sama and report his lack of progress and they could all laugh at how foolish he was together.

Battler gave her a wry grin, sort of sheepish in nature as dark eyes landed on the book lying abandoned and crumpled on the other side of the room. Her eyes turned to follow his and spotted the offending object with interest. Rising, she walked over and plucked the haphazardly lying book down, brushing it off before offering it back to the young man. "Don't tell me; you're an _idiot_ who doesn't read." Satan bit out, hoping her fury in the statement was loud and clear... because if he proved her right, she'd kill him and face the wrath of Beatrice-sama on her own.

Battler gave her an injured, insulted look that was about as genuine as the surprise on her mistress' face when he'd slapped her. "I _really like_ reading, thanks." He retorted with a note of anger in his own voice. "I read over a hundred books a year- and no, they're not children's books or magazines either!"

Put into place, Satan bit her lip and hung her head, bowing a little in apology. "...my apologies." She replied, a flush of heat across her cheeks as, for the second time that day and in less than an hour, she'd been properly scolded by another person. Scrambling to redeem herself in some small way, she flipped open the book to a random page, frowned and began reading it. Realization dawned on her as she skimmed through to the back of the book and read the questions in Beatrice-sama's elegant handwriting before closing it.

"...Ushiromiya Battler," She began in a funny, choked up sounding voice. "Does this book have something to do with how Beatrice-sama beat you?"

He responded immediately by jumping to his feet, pointing at that book like it was Beatrice herself in front of him. "That witch called Beato didn't _beat_ me, she just got me with a dirty, underhanded trick, that's all! I'll beat her yet, you'll see, I just have to figure out what to do first!"

Satan didn't call herself the most intelligent of the seven sisters of Purgatory... but she was a far cry from being the idiot Leviathan or Asmodeus could be. Mammon would probably be a better person to explain this, she thought with the book in her hand as she offered it again to Battler. But, since Mammon was currently... preoccupied otherwise, it was going to be up to her to get the ball rolling on this miniature game Beatrice-sama and Battler were playing with each other.

...but she had to admit, Beatrice-sama wasn't playing very fair by using _this_ book.

Battler looked between the white haired girl and the book, as if wanting to take his chances with groping the most volatile of the Stakes rather than with the book and questions he hadn't even begun looking at. "..so, uh, Satan?" He gave the temperamental girl a sheepish smile, unable to keep the hope out of his expression as he watched her eyes narrow and turn wary on him. "Any hints you can give me? You being a girl and all, maybe you can help me a little?"

_Help you? If I even tried reading one of those questions to you, Beatrice-sama would kill me forever. _She thought to herself, blanching at the thought and the images that came into mind if her mistress caught her doing such a thing. But... she had kind of said, to herself, that she'd help him a little bit. "Start with the questions Beatrice-sama's asked." Satan finally responded, shoving the book into Battler's chest, keeping her hands there until he was forced to grab it himself before backing away from him in quite the hasty manner.

"W-Wait a minute," Battler began as the girl began uncharacteristically fleeing from the room, her head poking back in, snowy tendrils bouncing over her shoulder as she blew her bangs out of her face. "Aren't you going to help?" He pleaded, sounding helpless and probably more lost and pathetic than he'd ever been in his life.

"... make Beatrice-sama ask you the questions herself." She said quickly and disappeared after that. Her sisters really needed to know about _this_ latest development… that way they could prepare in case that stupid Battler proved himself to be like that bastard of a grandfather.

_I've done my part,_ Satan thought with a smug little grin at the thought of Battler's panic and shock. _You're on your own now, Ushiromiya Battler!_


End file.
